For Britney Mae, from your puukulu who loves you
I was adopted too. But this story is not about my past. It's about you!
I didn't leave because I didn't love you. I love you so deeply, I chose what I believe is the safest and most stable for you. Even though it broke my heart.
For 4 days in the hospital, it was just me and you. No one else. No noise. Just our bond, quiet and powerful. I fed you, I held you, I learned your face. Those days were sacred and in a strange, beautiful way, I'm grateful that we had that short window where the world stopped because it was only ever going to be just us in that way once.
And when the day came, I carried you in an amautik to the airport. I physically placed you into the arms of the woman who raises you, Eena Qillaq. Not because I didn't want you. But because I want you to have everything. Everything I didn't, everything I couldn't give yet.
Still, I've never been far. Your family - they're incredible! They keep me close, even from a distance. They make sure you know I exist in your story, not as a shadow, but as someone who loves you from day one.
You're a seed of strength and courage. Even then, I knew: you deserve a life with less fear, more calm, more certainty.
You are not forgotten.
Your are not abandoned.
You are not unloved.
And when the day comes - if it comes, I'll be here! To tell you everything. To say your name, Britney Mae - with pride, not shame.
Because you may have grown up in another home, but you grew in my body and heart first. And that's forever.
I hope you know you're so deeply loved, not just by me but by my whole family, from every side - adoptive and biological. I'm ever so grateful for you, my love. Piga! My panik and I'm so grateful I can say that with my whole chest out loud because your parents allow it. They know you're so loved - from everywhere!
Happy 4th birthday Ms. Mae. My life saviour!
***EDIT***
What I didn't say before:
After the airport, I came home empty-handed. I laid on the porch floor and cried so hard I couldn't get up for over an hour.
It physically hurt - my body couldn't carry what my heart had just done.
I drank, I lashed out at people that I love so deeply. I became someone people couldn't recognize, and some didn't stay to understand.
And still... I never stopped loving her.
Adoption didn't end my motherhood. It just broke it wide open.
And to those that I lashed out at, I'm so sorry: you know who you are. I hope for nothing but the best for you and love that you deserve from friends. I'll never forget my past friends, even if we're not friends anymore.
Lots of love:
-A
